the mind churns

This is the result of having a song stuck in my head and a diagnosis stuck in my heart. Bipolar II. I’m still hesitant to accept it, but apparently even my doubt is a potential symptom.

I’m not exactly upset. This is just an unexpected answer to a very old question… What’s wrong with me?

In this piece, I really wanted to “talk” about my disorder. There’s a melancholy figure in gray surrounded by rough black squiggles. A depressive state. But there’s also color — blue, yellow, purple. That is how I’ve come to realize other people feel when they are sad, or upset, or thoughtful. But my disorder means that sometimes I go too far, into this ugly dark world.

The song? “Without You” from Rent. One of my favorite moments in the song goes, “…but I know blue. Only blue. Lonely blue. Within me, blue. Without you.”

I started wondering, do I know blue? Or is what I know only that dark place without color? I say it’s blue but who knows where my mind is really at? This sort of thinking led to the color in the hair of the figure. Maybe that symbolizes all the confusion, which is so far the hardest part of this healing process.

So there you have it. Acrylic, pastels, and Sharpie paint pens on canvas…

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