The jungle continues

Whew! This project is bigger than I thought it was going to be! But I finally have all the greenery filled in, the next step will be the animals (parrots, monkeys and a tiger).


In other news, I see my doctor today and I’m going to ask him about something that has been bothering me a lot lately… my shaking hands (probably a side effect from the medication I’m on). Sometimes it’s so intense I have trouble gripping things, and it’s definitely embarrassing when I get nervous and my hands are shaking so hard it’s apparent to whoever is around me. It also makes painting fine details challenging. I googled what to do about shaking hands and everything said to stop being so anxious (I’m paraphrasing), which isn’t really an option for me. Unfortunately, anxiety is part of my life forever, I think…

So we will see. Wish me luck!

wonder what’s wrong with me

One time, instead of getting ready for school (8th grade, I think), I locked myself in the bathroom and tried to kill myself. I laid at the bottom of the bathtub as it filled up, not resolved but terrified. I don’t think I was scared of dying, I was scared of myself…that I could have that much hate and anger in me, to take a life. I’ve thought of suicide before and after this episode, but this was the only time I ever actually attempted it. Thankfully I screamed my intentions to my dad, who was furious and broke down the door. Strangely, I don’t remember what happened next.

This is the problem I have with writing a memoir, or any story. I have gaps in my knowledge of the events. I think it has something to do with the bipolar, but it’s very inconvenient.

I don’t know why I’m thinking about this today. Probably because I’m still trying to figure out exactly what went wrong in my novel writing last night.

i can’t hold onto me

Here I am, in the aching place that hypomania left behind. This one was so brief, but blazed hard and burnt me up last night. I had to take an impromptu two hour nap just to recover, and today I still don’t feel quite right. I miss having the inspiration, the excitement. Now all I have is longing. I look at my writing notes and wonder if I will ever be able to write this fucking novel. Maybe it’s just not in me. Maybe it will only happen in the short moments of manic glory.

I thought that medication would make me perfect. That the pills would carve out all the doubt and self-loathing and replace it with confidence and commitment to the things I want for myself. Today I feel like all it’s done is made it hard to cry, and instead of big episodes that sweep through the household like a windstorm, I have just these little earthquake tremors. And that must be life.

I journaled last night. Just a page or so of whining. I don’t think it helped anything but I didn’t feel like I could draw or paint and I certainly wasn’t able to write with my heart broken up over yet another failed novel attempt. And what do you do when nothing is possible? When nothing helps?

Perhaps I need to go back to reading about my condition, studying the exercises that are supposed to give clarity. I could take my doctor’s advice and run around in the sunlight for a while, but lazing about and eating sounds much more appealing…

sometimes weird art

Sometimes, all I’m capable of is weird art. It begins with a concept that’s more of a feeling than anything else. Then I attach color and shapes to that, and then I try to put it all on the canvas. I would tell you that I’m usually between 30-60% successful. I’ve never had a piece of art turn out exactly how I pictured. Sometimes I like it anyway, and sometimes I am seconds away from painting over it. Or both.

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Right now it’s both.

things get stranger

My art has taken a weird turn. And writing anything but smut with my husband is a challenge. I don’t know if I am just in a funk, or if this is your art on drugs* kids… But I keep having visions of clay pieces in frames with this’s and thats. But when it comes time to actually paint said pieces I fat finger it and end up with…slop. So that’s a problem.

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*The kind that are legally prescribed to me by my doctor for bipolar. Settle down.

speaking of owls…

I did some more things while cooped up/should be resting but is arting everywhere instead. I made music note shaped wax melts! With (too much) bamboo fragrance, my own dried basil, and soy wax! I call them “Bamboosiled.” Eeee!!!

Oh and this painting came out of a low cycle…

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And this thumbnail doodle comes from a happy place.

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and now I’ma take pics and blog about it

So I’ve been working on this for a while. There are a lot of components here… The weird little gremlins who live in the cage — they are Anxiety and Depression. I made a girly, flowery bed to put them in when I’m done with them, but as with all things when it comes to me, it can’t be contained. I wish it looked as cool in pictures as it does in person, but maybe that’s part of the beauty of it.