Blahness

I don’t know why this blog is so difficult to maintain. It’s like it doesn’t write itself or something.

I could hash out all the ways my life got complicated in recent weeks, but that would be boring and uninspiring…and I need a little inspiration today. But then again I have all the tools to help myself, so maybe what I really need is motivation. You know what, I don’t know what I need. It’s a weird day.

What I’m not feeling is particularly artistic or creative…which is what this blog is all about – creativity. Sure, I’ve done some paintings…but I’m not especially happy with them and I have no exciting projects on the horizon. I’m feeling a bit like a fraud, actually… Like I’m not really an artist, not really talented… I know this is all just negative self-talk, but it’s constant and all-consuming and I don’t really have the energy to battle it out today. I feel like I’ve been tired for weeks.

Anyway, enough of all that. Here is a piece I did that I’m feeling blah about.


Some medical issues have put a stop to my work for clients for the time being, so I don’t have much to report on that front. And…that’s all for now, I guess!

of soups and songs

So I went to a local singer/songwriter’s festival and came home thinking “I could do that.” Kind of like when I thought I could be British after watching Spice World. I was a kid, but yeah.

Anyway. I did in fact write a poem that I intend to be song lyrics. And somehow, between my VERY limited, laughable knowledge of piano, guitar, and 4th grade recorder, I will write a song. I can sing, so in the very least I can make a melody and then force someone with more musical talent to assist me.

That, and the poem itself are works in progress, but here…

Broken Thoughts

Don’t you worry for me
I’m getting up, I’m going out
I’m functioning
Just a little armageddon stain about me

Back and broken
Put your lover to bed
Let the pill feed the spiders in her head
And if at morning
I’m not sorry and there’s
Darkness swallowing me whole
Don’t you worry
Let the pill lick away the sour in my soul

I’m going out, I’m looking in
I’m suffering
Ghosts and demons steal art and stories
In my dreams

Back and broken
Darling, put your lover to bed
Let the pill feed the spiders in her head
And if at morning
I’m not sorry and I’m
Melting into darkness after the bloodshed

Don’t you worry for me
Let the pill feed the spiders in her head

edit: this is obviously not a Top 40 kind of song.

Also, I recently had my lower braces put on along with a medieval torture device known as a bite plate. This is a plasticy sort of thing the size of a wad of Bubblicious gum behind my front teeth, keeping me from biting closed and actually touching my teeth. So I don’t eat anymore (exaggeration). Since I am a fat kid and do need delicious food, always, no exceptions…I made some soup!

Spinach and Goat Cheese Bisque

Adapted from an Eating well recipe

Ingredients

1 1/4 lbs fresh spinach
1 yukon gold potato, peeled and diced
2 yellow onions, diced
Olive oil
1 teaspoon dried thyme
Butter
3/4 cup heavy cream
2 tablespoons marsala
4 cups vegetable broth
salt
pinch of cayenne
1/4th teaspoon nutmeg
4 ounces goat cheese

Directions

Get a tablespoon and one teaspoon of olive oil in a skillet and heat on medium. Throw in your onions and thyme and about a fourth teaspoon of salt and caramelize, stirring frequently and covering alternately for about 20 minutes. (the recipe does say to add 2 tablespoons of water when the onions just begin to brown to get this process going). Meanwhile, heat two cups of water in a pot and bring to boil. Add potato and cover, cooking 12-15 minutes or until soft. It was somewhere in here that I realized I wanted more fat in this soup and threw a couple teaspoons of butter in the pan with the onions. This is because I misread the original recipe, which does call for more butter later. Whatever, it came out fucking great. When  your onions are caramelized, add marsala and heavy cream and remove from heat. By now your potatoes should be about done. Add the onion mixture to your potato pot along with the vegetable broth, goat cheese and about two tablespoons of butter. Bring back to simmer, add all that spinach, cayenne, more salt if you want and nutmeg and cover for about 5 minutes to wilt the spinach but not cook it too much. Then remove from heat and use a blender or food processor or whatever you want to puree the whole thing. Enjoy!

Shit, I thought I had a picture but I just sat down and pigged out apparently… Sorry. this is a photo of the original recipe. They garnished with a toasted baguette round and more goat cheese, but I didn’t do that because bite plate.

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the mind churns

This is the result of having a song stuck in my head and a diagnosis stuck in my heart. Bipolar II. I’m still hesitant to accept it, but apparently even my doubt is a potential symptom.

I’m not exactly upset. This is just an unexpected answer to a very old question… What’s wrong with me?

In this piece, I really wanted to “talk” about my disorder. There’s a melancholy figure in gray surrounded by rough black squiggles. A depressive state. But there’s also color — blue, yellow, purple. That is how I’ve come to realize other people feel when they are sad, or upset, or thoughtful. But my disorder means that sometimes I go too far, into this ugly dark world.

The song? “Without You” from Rent. One of my favorite moments in the song goes, “…but I know blue. Only blue. Lonely blue. Within me, blue. Without you.”

I started wondering, do I know blue? Or is what I know only that dark place without color? I say it’s blue but who knows where my mind is really at? This sort of thinking led to the color in the hair of the figure. Maybe that symbolizes all the confusion, which is so far the hardest part of this healing process.

So there you have it. Acrylic, pastels, and Sharpie paint pens on canvas…